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Twisted Proverbs & Puns

On this page, I'm playing with the idea of writing proverbs, maxims, adages and aphorisms that have been turned on their head. Upon the first read, they appear to be pithy pieces of wisdom. But on second read, they are utter nonsense. Or are they? It's fun to play with words.

It's up to you to imagine situations for which these might be considered a suitable response.

  1. Like five pebbles in one hand and a boulder in the other.
  2. He’s an 18-wheeler with one door missing.
  3. If the pot ain’t big enough, throw away the turkey.
  4. Lemons don’t discriminate.
  5. Like butter on a rock.
  6. Never trust what you can’t smell.
  7. Plain like the taste of water on your lips.
  8. You can’t brew coffee in a honey pot.
  9. Four crumbs left on a desserrt plate don't tell the whole story.
  10. There’s a fine grey line between bullshit and honesty.
  11. You can hang a hammock next to the bed, but the bed will never rock.
  12. Wishing it wasn’t so is like washing your hands with oil.
  13. Just because something is combustible doesn’t make it worthy of a crystal goblet.
  14. A rodent in the breadbox doesn’t make it edible.
  15. Beware the person who wears a smile like a brooch.
  16. A caveman without a cave is still a caveman.
  17. Friends are like fish. They’ll swim with you until they spawn.
  18. Not every vegetable deserves a place at the table.
  19. The distance between hopeful and hopeless is a bottle of strong whiskey.
  20. There is no wisdom in a pile of dung.
  21. If you can touch it, see it and smell it, wash your hands first.
  22. The queen bee enjoys a lifetime of social security.
  23. Don't underestimate the glass that is half empty, for it may well save the life of somebody wandering in the desert.
  24. Indecision will not cook dinner.
  25. At the edge of exhaustion, snoring and laughter originate from the same place.
  26. The birth of competition: two hammers and one nail.
  27. Cracks are just narrow-minded holes.
  28. Why bother a ladder to access an empty attic?
  29. Don't try to skip with only one arm.
  30. Crime always pays somebody's debts.
  31. Death is a foregone conclusion.
  32. Don't throw empty words at big hopes.
  33. Just because a stitch in time saves nine doesn't make it sew.
  34. Beware of developing a sweet tooth for suckers.
  35. Contrary to popular belief, not every horse wants to be led to water.
  36. "Eat, drink and be Mary," Joseph whispered to his virgin wife.
  37. Even robots walk the walk and talk the talk.
  38. Genius is just a 7-letter word.
  39. In every failure, there’s a modicum of truth.
  40. Not every portrait is a poker face.
  41. You will grow to doubt that which you repeat one million times.
  42. A printed lie trumps word of mouth.
  43. Sometimes, an empty cookie jar is the only clue.
  44. One needn’t hide behind a mask in the presence of those who cannot see.
  45. It’s like putting a hearing device on an ear of corn.
  46. Anybody who has played the game of telephone knows that truth degrades over time.
  47. Artificial intelligence is the permission to let somebody else do it.
  48. Don’t go seeking attention at the scene of a crime.
  49. An arrow in flight has only one chance of hitting its target.
  50. Failure to do research before traveling will likely lead you, out of necessity and pain, to a local shoe store.
  51. Spoiled milk is the product of your own neglect.
  52. Don’t suffer the problems of others unless debts are owing.
  53. War and peace are opposite sides of the same coin.
  54. The tooth fairy lives at the other end of the rainbow with leprechauns.
  55. Santa becomes too fat for the chimney when parents tire of pushing the narrative.
  56. If you can’t dance when no one’s watching, maybe it's not the music.
  57. In chessboard adultry, you take my queen, and I check your mate.
  58. If the truth be told, most people are not interested in reading your travel blog ... unless their livelihood depends on you.
  59. Love is a tired cliché.
  60. Nothing screams narcissism like an album of selfies.
  61. Life is reduced to fiction at death. After we die, others remember us as the person we should have been.
  62. Alterations are for garments, not for tried-and-true recipes.
  63. Having a high IQ is meaningless in the absence of context.
  64. You can rule the world with the stroke of a single pen or battle your enemy with the stroke of a single sword, but you cannot easily conquer your hunger with the stroke of a single chop stick.
  65. Love at first sight falls deafly on the person who is blind.
  66. Superstition is reality on mushrooms.